...aiming to forgive.

i have never struggled with forgiveness, never. no one has ever intentionally wronged me to the point where i would have to try to forgive them, forgiveness came easy. i find myself at a place where i'm fighting inside myself, knowing the right direction... but wanting to avoid it because it hurts too bad. i just feel like i always attempted to make things better, but was always let down by the turnout. this is a new mix of emotions for me.. so confusing. i have come to know that the larger the hurt, the harder to forgive.. the deeper the connection, the harder to forgive.. the more invested, the harder to forgive... ugh.

we're allowed to be angry and frustrated (jesus clearing the temple - luke 2:12-25), but i feel like mine has been prolonged (and some of my anger is not justified).. that's not right. after going on a late night walk outside on a gorgeous snowy night, or you could say it was a really really early morning walk, i voiced my struggles with god. "god, this isn't right.. it's not humanly possible for me to forgive on my own when it's this heavy." i can try to talk myself into forgiving someone, but what good does that really do? it's only masking the hurt, and when a situation arises to remind me of the hurt.. the anger will only reincarnate itself even stronger. a viscous cycle.. that must be halted. after wrestling with god for a little while with how to deal with it.. i felt his nudge. "hannah, why are you waiting to hand it over to me? i want to take this burden from you, it's my longing. you can't do it on your own, so who are you going to turn to.. your friends? although they love you, i'm the only one that can fully wipe out this hurt and grant forgiveness. your family? the love you too, but i know how to heal this. you self? you only get frustrated with that option.. take it to me! what are you waiting for?" it was one of those times that you just feel hugged by god, that's the only way i can describe it. now, i'm here to say, that i don't have it all figured out.. i'm just on the rocky path to conquer this struggle, but i'm not doing it alone.. oh boy, am i not. god made that clear to me as i stared up to the stars spending some much needed one on one time with him..

one of my friends texted me the next morning, telling me my name meant "grace" in hebrew.. which can be defined one way: the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god. he reiterated that morning that someone may not be asking to be forgiven, but because of my love for the lord.. i should and can be quick to forgive (give it freely, with love). after all, isn't my ultimate goal in life to strive to be like my savior? that's what i'm here to do.. and right now i'm aiming to give the forgiveness he has granted me, so easily, time and time again.