..anticipation

anticipation - it's a love/hate relationship.
i love the feeling of the unkown, yet i hate it.. it's unanswered & distant.

...an old find

a little nugget of poetry i found from a while ago..

Steal My Heart
Straying from you,
Not because I want to,
But because it's the easiest thing to do.
Capture my attention yet again,
Make me see you like I used to.
Win my heart back, steal it.
This meek spirit wants to praise you,
Glorify you with everything,
Nothing hidden from you, vulnerable.
Make me adore and treasure you,
See you in everything I do like I used to.
Win my heart back, steal it.
Aching to fall madly in love with you,
Make you my only desire,
Discover that all i need is you.
Win my heart back, steal it.
Consult you before every action,
Speak to you on every occasion,
Observe the world with your vision like I used to.
Win my heart back, steal it.
Wrestle for it,
Break it and transform it,
Completely overflowing with you,
Completely renewed.

...relating to an ancient cave dweller

skimming through a commentary on psalm 143 was eye opening.. in the first six verses of this psalm, written by david, he pleads for god to not bring him into judgement for what he's done, whatever that may be. he explains how the enemy has captured his heart for moments in his life and trampled him to the ground, not looking back to see what a mess he's left for god to pick up. he's on a mission, and that mission is to destroy & anhiliate our love of god. luckily our god is the ultimate picker-upper. gently placing the pieces back together, molding us back into shape.. what an amazing visual. verse 4 breaks my heart.. mosly because i can relate. i know how it feels to have my spirit grow faint within me.. and my heart be dismayed. ugh.. the power that satan make us believe he has over us, yet that 'power' can easily vanish if we would only let god do the work for us. i mean, who do we honestly think we are.. attempting to conquer satan by ourselves? some power trip we run into.. luckily, our god is ready and willing to take it over, but only if we are willing to hand it over.. there's the tricky part. the part that gets me every time. it blows my mind to think that god wants to pursue us.. but he waits for us first. he doesn't want to be that friend that is always calling, texting, facebooking.. what ever it may be to get your attention.. he doesn't want to be that, of course he will be that if he finds it necessary. he wants to make sure that our hearts are truly into him, in love with him, & want to know more about what he has to offer.. that's so cool. i often find myself thinking, "seriously, it won't matter if i don't bring this to his attention.. he won't notice." first off, he does.. second off, i do! the less and less i talk to my god, the less he becomes a part of my life.. i'm not actively pursuing his heart. i'm not chasing after him like he desires.. ugh, it kills me to think of how simple it is.. but i make it so hard on myself. it brings me back to verse 6, how david says, "i spread out my hands to you, my sould thirsts for you like a parched land.." i love that word, thirst.. you can just imagine that parched land crying out for rain.. the one thing that can revive it. david is begging god to revive him & pardon him from the sins he's committed.. and telling god that he's ready to come running back to him, and let him take control of his heart once again.. my prayer to god a heck of a lot. but, my absolute favorite verse in this psalm is 10. "teach me to do your will, for you are my god.. may your good spirit lead me on level ground." ... mmm.. i need to say that prayer more often, it's what i need. this psalm makes me wonder what david was going through as he wrote this.. i read one commentary on how he was in a cave, away from civilization.. i'm not sure if they know for sure where david was when he wrote this, but he gives us a glimpse into his fragile heart. when he asked god for his spirit to lead him on level ground, it's like he's asking two things.. to be forgiven from the things that have led him astray to navigate hills and valleys (far from god's heart) & to be piloted by the strength of the spirit that will keep his heart aligned with the heart of god. where ever david may have been in those ancient days writing this psalm, that man and i relate.. the struggles we've encountered.. the sin that has taken place.. and the pain that's been felt from feeling far from god. but, the beauty of scripture is that it is relevant, because god is relevant.. a man that may have been sitting in a cave, thinking about how he's screwed up with god once again can relate to a young woman in a much more modern day, with the same thoughts. god's resounding message in scripture is that he is vital to our spiritual, mental, and physical well-being.. everything about us needs god, he is essential..he revives us. and believe me, i'm still in the process of grasping all of this.. god's majesty is beyond anything i can fathom.