...oh so joyful

i'm so incredibly joyful.. just plain joyful. you know those moments where you're so excited your throat clenches because you just want to scream but can't because people would think you're a mad(wo)man? oh man, is this one of those moments.

i just came back from "meet at the mill", a worship service held at a unique coffee shop in downtown grand rapids.. it was fantastic. around 80 college students, coming together to worship god.. the passion was bubbling. we were all scrunched together like sardines, it was awesome.. a hot, steamy mess of people offering worship to our savior. we had a chance to pray with people around us, and my group went down to our knees and just prayed. it was pretty intimate. i loved being vulnerable with those people, just getting my thoughts/prayers out. there's something about praying together that just makes the bond between friends, or even strangers, so much tighter.. i should do it more often, i think. after we poured our hearts out to eachother, we poured what was left to god in a little more worship. the night was great.. a nice refresher from my past week of studying and packing up my apartment. it was my last little shindig with all my grand valley peeps, and let me tell you.. there's no other way i'd rather have said goodbye.

another reason i'm feeling all giddy inside is because i'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow to return back home.. i'm so happy with my decision, i know this is where i'm being led. there's no way i'm going to be able to sleep tonight.. i feel like a child on christmas eve.. "the sooner you get to bed, the sooner santa will be here!".. my santa (in the form of leaving grand valley) is coming soon. as much as i feel this decision is right, it's bittersweet... more sweet than bitter. my assurance of me moving home doesn't take away from the fact that i'm going to miss my friends up here like mad. i've never had a group of friends like this; they are what got me through my denials of grand valley, my breakup, my sad days, my insecurities.. and much more. they're fabulous to say the least.. and i will truly miss them. if you find yourself reading this, gv friend, thank you for being such an encouragement and guiding me along this unkown path i've encountered. anywho, my excitement is seeping over.. and i can't wait to be home. i have absolutely no idea where i'm headed... career-wise (anyone who really knows me, knows i want to be a stay at home mother), job-wise (for the present time), class-wise (when class starts in less than a month). i'm just lacking a layout of my life right now, and who-da thunk it.. but that just makes me more excited because i have nothing to worry about. i'm fully confident that god will guide me in a direction, give me opportunities, give me situations in which i'll start to mold the rest of my life.. how exciting is that? i've just let it go, and give up the reins.. "here you go, god.. you want it? it's yours." that's my proclomation at this moment in my life.. i'm praying that i can keep it. : ) what's not to be joyful about, i mean.. c'mon!

...aiming to forgive.

i have never struggled with forgiveness, never. no one has ever intentionally wronged me to the point where i would have to try to forgive them, forgiveness came easy. i find myself at a place where i'm fighting inside myself, knowing the right direction... but wanting to avoid it because it hurts too bad. i just feel like i always attempted to make things better, but was always let down by the turnout. this is a new mix of emotions for me.. so confusing. i have come to know that the larger the hurt, the harder to forgive.. the deeper the connection, the harder to forgive.. the more invested, the harder to forgive... ugh.

we're allowed to be angry and frustrated (jesus clearing the temple - luke 2:12-25), but i feel like mine has been prolonged (and some of my anger is not justified).. that's not right. after going on a late night walk outside on a gorgeous snowy night, or you could say it was a really really early morning walk, i voiced my struggles with god. "god, this isn't right.. it's not humanly possible for me to forgive on my own when it's this heavy." i can try to talk myself into forgiving someone, but what good does that really do? it's only masking the hurt, and when a situation arises to remind me of the hurt.. the anger will only reincarnate itself even stronger. a viscous cycle.. that must be halted. after wrestling with god for a little while with how to deal with it.. i felt his nudge. "hannah, why are you waiting to hand it over to me? i want to take this burden from you, it's my longing. you can't do it on your own, so who are you going to turn to.. your friends? although they love you, i'm the only one that can fully wipe out this hurt and grant forgiveness. your family? the love you too, but i know how to heal this. you self? you only get frustrated with that option.. take it to me! what are you waiting for?" it was one of those times that you just feel hugged by god, that's the only way i can describe it. now, i'm here to say, that i don't have it all figured out.. i'm just on the rocky path to conquer this struggle, but i'm not doing it alone.. oh boy, am i not. god made that clear to me as i stared up to the stars spending some much needed one on one time with him..

one of my friends texted me the next morning, telling me my name meant "grace" in hebrew.. which can be defined one way: the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god. he reiterated that morning that someone may not be asking to be forgiven, but because of my love for the lord.. i should and can be quick to forgive (give it freely, with love). after all, isn't my ultimate goal in life to strive to be like my savior? that's what i'm here to do.. and right now i'm aiming to give the forgiveness he has granted me, so easily, time and time again.