..anticipation

anticipation - it's a love/hate relationship.
i love the feeling of the unkown, yet i hate it.. it's unanswered & distant.

...an old find

a little nugget of poetry i found from a while ago..

Steal My Heart
Straying from you,
Not because I want to,
But because it's the easiest thing to do.
Capture my attention yet again,
Make me see you like I used to.
Win my heart back, steal it.
This meek spirit wants to praise you,
Glorify you with everything,
Nothing hidden from you, vulnerable.
Make me adore and treasure you,
See you in everything I do like I used to.
Win my heart back, steal it.
Aching to fall madly in love with you,
Make you my only desire,
Discover that all i need is you.
Win my heart back, steal it.
Consult you before every action,
Speak to you on every occasion,
Observe the world with your vision like I used to.
Win my heart back, steal it.
Wrestle for it,
Break it and transform it,
Completely overflowing with you,
Completely renewed.

...relating to an ancient cave dweller

skimming through a commentary on psalm 143 was eye opening.. in the first six verses of this psalm, written by david, he pleads for god to not bring him into judgement for what he's done, whatever that may be. he explains how the enemy has captured his heart for moments in his life and trampled him to the ground, not looking back to see what a mess he's left for god to pick up. he's on a mission, and that mission is to destroy & anhiliate our love of god. luckily our god is the ultimate picker-upper. gently placing the pieces back together, molding us back into shape.. what an amazing visual. verse 4 breaks my heart.. mosly because i can relate. i know how it feels to have my spirit grow faint within me.. and my heart be dismayed. ugh.. the power that satan make us believe he has over us, yet that 'power' can easily vanish if we would only let god do the work for us. i mean, who do we honestly think we are.. attempting to conquer satan by ourselves? some power trip we run into.. luckily, our god is ready and willing to take it over, but only if we are willing to hand it over.. there's the tricky part. the part that gets me every time. it blows my mind to think that god wants to pursue us.. but he waits for us first. he doesn't want to be that friend that is always calling, texting, facebooking.. what ever it may be to get your attention.. he doesn't want to be that, of course he will be that if he finds it necessary. he wants to make sure that our hearts are truly into him, in love with him, & want to know more about what he has to offer.. that's so cool. i often find myself thinking, "seriously, it won't matter if i don't bring this to his attention.. he won't notice." first off, he does.. second off, i do! the less and less i talk to my god, the less he becomes a part of my life.. i'm not actively pursuing his heart. i'm not chasing after him like he desires.. ugh, it kills me to think of how simple it is.. but i make it so hard on myself. it brings me back to verse 6, how david says, "i spread out my hands to you, my sould thirsts for you like a parched land.." i love that word, thirst.. you can just imagine that parched land crying out for rain.. the one thing that can revive it. david is begging god to revive him & pardon him from the sins he's committed.. and telling god that he's ready to come running back to him, and let him take control of his heart once again.. my prayer to god a heck of a lot. but, my absolute favorite verse in this psalm is 10. "teach me to do your will, for you are my god.. may your good spirit lead me on level ground." ... mmm.. i need to say that prayer more often, it's what i need. this psalm makes me wonder what david was going through as he wrote this.. i read one commentary on how he was in a cave, away from civilization.. i'm not sure if they know for sure where david was when he wrote this, but he gives us a glimpse into his fragile heart. when he asked god for his spirit to lead him on level ground, it's like he's asking two things.. to be forgiven from the things that have led him astray to navigate hills and valleys (far from god's heart) & to be piloted by the strength of the spirit that will keep his heart aligned with the heart of god. where ever david may have been in those ancient days writing this psalm, that man and i relate.. the struggles we've encountered.. the sin that has taken place.. and the pain that's been felt from feeling far from god. but, the beauty of scripture is that it is relevant, because god is relevant.. a man that may have been sitting in a cave, thinking about how he's screwed up with god once again can relate to a young woman in a much more modern day, with the same thoughts. god's resounding message in scripture is that he is vital to our spiritual, mental, and physical well-being.. everything about us needs god, he is essential..he revives us. and believe me, i'm still in the process of grasping all of this.. god's majesty is beyond anything i can fathom.

...oh so joyful

i'm so incredibly joyful.. just plain joyful. you know those moments where you're so excited your throat clenches because you just want to scream but can't because people would think you're a mad(wo)man? oh man, is this one of those moments.

i just came back from "meet at the mill", a worship service held at a unique coffee shop in downtown grand rapids.. it was fantastic. around 80 college students, coming together to worship god.. the passion was bubbling. we were all scrunched together like sardines, it was awesome.. a hot, steamy mess of people offering worship to our savior. we had a chance to pray with people around us, and my group went down to our knees and just prayed. it was pretty intimate. i loved being vulnerable with those people, just getting my thoughts/prayers out. there's something about praying together that just makes the bond between friends, or even strangers, so much tighter.. i should do it more often, i think. after we poured our hearts out to eachother, we poured what was left to god in a little more worship. the night was great.. a nice refresher from my past week of studying and packing up my apartment. it was my last little shindig with all my grand valley peeps, and let me tell you.. there's no other way i'd rather have said goodbye.

another reason i'm feeling all giddy inside is because i'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow to return back home.. i'm so happy with my decision, i know this is where i'm being led. there's no way i'm going to be able to sleep tonight.. i feel like a child on christmas eve.. "the sooner you get to bed, the sooner santa will be here!".. my santa (in the form of leaving grand valley) is coming soon. as much as i feel this decision is right, it's bittersweet... more sweet than bitter. my assurance of me moving home doesn't take away from the fact that i'm going to miss my friends up here like mad. i've never had a group of friends like this; they are what got me through my denials of grand valley, my breakup, my sad days, my insecurities.. and much more. they're fabulous to say the least.. and i will truly miss them. if you find yourself reading this, gv friend, thank you for being such an encouragement and guiding me along this unkown path i've encountered. anywho, my excitement is seeping over.. and i can't wait to be home. i have absolutely no idea where i'm headed... career-wise (anyone who really knows me, knows i want to be a stay at home mother), job-wise (for the present time), class-wise (when class starts in less than a month). i'm just lacking a layout of my life right now, and who-da thunk it.. but that just makes me more excited because i have nothing to worry about. i'm fully confident that god will guide me in a direction, give me opportunities, give me situations in which i'll start to mold the rest of my life.. how exciting is that? i've just let it go, and give up the reins.. "here you go, god.. you want it? it's yours." that's my proclomation at this moment in my life.. i'm praying that i can keep it. : ) what's not to be joyful about, i mean.. c'mon!

...aiming to forgive.

i have never struggled with forgiveness, never. no one has ever intentionally wronged me to the point where i would have to try to forgive them, forgiveness came easy. i find myself at a place where i'm fighting inside myself, knowing the right direction... but wanting to avoid it because it hurts too bad. i just feel like i always attempted to make things better, but was always let down by the turnout. this is a new mix of emotions for me.. so confusing. i have come to know that the larger the hurt, the harder to forgive.. the deeper the connection, the harder to forgive.. the more invested, the harder to forgive... ugh.

we're allowed to be angry and frustrated (jesus clearing the temple - luke 2:12-25), but i feel like mine has been prolonged (and some of my anger is not justified).. that's not right. after going on a late night walk outside on a gorgeous snowy night, or you could say it was a really really early morning walk, i voiced my struggles with god. "god, this isn't right.. it's not humanly possible for me to forgive on my own when it's this heavy." i can try to talk myself into forgiving someone, but what good does that really do? it's only masking the hurt, and when a situation arises to remind me of the hurt.. the anger will only reincarnate itself even stronger. a viscous cycle.. that must be halted. after wrestling with god for a little while with how to deal with it.. i felt his nudge. "hannah, why are you waiting to hand it over to me? i want to take this burden from you, it's my longing. you can't do it on your own, so who are you going to turn to.. your friends? although they love you, i'm the only one that can fully wipe out this hurt and grant forgiveness. your family? the love you too, but i know how to heal this. you self? you only get frustrated with that option.. take it to me! what are you waiting for?" it was one of those times that you just feel hugged by god, that's the only way i can describe it. now, i'm here to say, that i don't have it all figured out.. i'm just on the rocky path to conquer this struggle, but i'm not doing it alone.. oh boy, am i not. god made that clear to me as i stared up to the stars spending some much needed one on one time with him..

one of my friends texted me the next morning, telling me my name meant "grace" in hebrew.. which can be defined one way: the freely given, unmerited favor and love of god. he reiterated that morning that someone may not be asking to be forgiven, but because of my love for the lord.. i should and can be quick to forgive (give it freely, with love). after all, isn't my ultimate goal in life to strive to be like my savior? that's what i'm here to do.. and right now i'm aiming to give the forgiveness he has granted me, so easily, time and time again.